it was nice
the feeling of belonging was nice
so was the coconut coir (soil) between my hands
i packed many cups of it, they wanted 300 total for the cafeteria
they planted lettuce and marigolds
a notification on my phone said i'd be happy today
feels so
i'm having troubling dreams
i want a night of peace
i wasn't lucky today
i'll know it for sure when i get my science test results
i almost got hit by a car
i try not to think too hard about things that aren't school
though i'd like to finish writing that fic sooner rather than later
when i join voice call and wish i was there longer it feels so natural
i'm pretty sure tomorrow's a b day for gym
it's already 10:53 but i have to get up early
i haven't been to my first period class all semester
if sleep will come.. i don't know
i'm still haunted by what my brain showed me last night
that doesn't help the uneasiness i've always felt at night at all
if i speak of it it comes into existence
so i don't

dreams about death means change
but it seems nothing to do with the change i realized yesterday
maybe it does because i associate the location with that time
i wish my mother wouldn't tell me if it was prophetic
and in any case what i realized yesterday already feels a lifetime away

again: what happens if none of this had to happen at all?
what if i never met them?
what if i hadn't chased after them? what if i had stayed as i was? what if i never changed?
i weigh my options: i wouldn't have known eden if i didn't. was it worth it? but i didn't really have a choice, did i.. wouldn't i just have met someone else to go through the same cycle?

my life is in the hands of others. i was miserable because i felt like no one understood me. i was miserable (after) because (what if someone intervened?????????because it would have been so easy) (just if anyone cared a bit more at that time!!!!!)
(is that really only the excuse i tell myself?)
who would i be? what kind of life would i live? would it be like this? would it still be like this?

i don't understand my actions at 12 at all because i never would have done the same thing knowing what i know now
why didn't they see that i was 12
it didn't matter when i was 16 either
it just became a different story

i have these nightmares all the time